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“
PHOENIX
: PET OF GOD”
For those who missed out on current events, on
September 27, 2007 I was taken to the Walls Unit in
Huntsville
,
Texas
to be executed at approximately 6pm. However,
the execution was held up and at approximately 10:15pm.
I
was granted a stay
of execution. This, my
friend, is the simple story from the outside.
For those “Blessed” with Understanding – we know that Life is
truly experienced on the inside. So,
let me take you there. .. Inside
the Death House; inside my Spirit and Soul, where the true battle was
fought!
During the weeks and days leading up to September 27th,
I was surrounded by the Love of friends and adopted extended family.
They all expressed their Love in various ways and since God is Love,
I was enveloped in the blanket of God. During
this time I felt nothing but warmth and comfort.
No worry, no anger, no hate, and no sadness.
I had already understood that if I was executed, I am promised to
enter the
Kingdom
of
God
as a pure being through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
I saw no reason to fret, but negativity did threaten to stop me of
the Peace”Blessed” upon me. Yet,
I stood firm on my Faith in God and strength to resist the temptation of the
devil was granted me. The devil
knew me well and knew that I was very weak to resist confrontation.
With this same strength I reflected the Love of God upon my loved
ones and in turn they also grew much stronger in Love and Faith.
Not only are they witnesses to my Faith and Peace, they are also
participants.
There were a few who thought that I should be praying
for a stay of execution, but what I had to explain to these people is that
my fate is to confront Death and accept the consequences of my past actions.
There are negative and positive consequences within all actions.
For some, these consequences may seem fair and for others it’s
unfair. Either way, we still
have to accept them or live in denial or delusion.
One of the most important things I’ve learned lately is to accept
reality for what it is; instead of what I wish it to be or how I think
it’s supposed to be. This way
I can interact with Life in a more clear light and work to make it better
for the future. With that in
mind, I fully intended to die on September 27th, due to the
unfair consequences of my past actions which were ignorant, hateful and
dishonorable.
See… there was a time when I was a twisted and
immature person with a romantic idea of Death.
I was an agent of Chaos and Death.
It was a conscious choice I made within a ritual awareness of a Blood
Oath. This was no vague concept.
It was deliberate and calculated in my youthful angst (torment) and
ignorance. I’ve lived all of
my Life as an outcast child and scapegoat.
I was a nonconformist by birth and prided myself on going left
instead of right like the herd. I
went through a lot of misery because of this.. I blamed this suffering on my
peers and fell in Love with my darkness.
I believed my Hate to be strong and Love to be weakness, because
every time I opened my heart to others, they hurt me.
The closer they got to me, the more they hurt me.
I was too weak a person to fight the Hate building inside of my
Heart. I didn’t know how to
forgive or turn the other check. All
I knew was to lash out with vengeance. This
is how I protected myself form pain. I
was blind to the Love in this world. Displays
of affection make me jealous and sick. All
I wanted was immediate gratification and revenge!
I was lonely and miserable. Very
few things make me happy and most of those things were illegal or
antisocial/deviant behavior. I
did learn a lot form this path of holes and mountains, but it was mostly
negativity. I learned a lot
about the destructive element of this world and how to apply it.
I dedicated myself to it and it became me.
I knew no Love – only obsession and jealousy.
No happiness in achievement – only malice and discontent in
failure. I accepted this as my
fate to never be “Loved” or know happiness.
This make me self-destructive and even my good intentions were
tainted by destructive virtues. These
things made me into an immature man whose romantic notions of Death made him
a murderer, someone with no value of Life or concept of Love…
An agent of Death! With
these romantic notions of righteousness through misery, this ignorant man
killed 2 people and felt justified for 7 years.
His answer was Death to the problem he thought to be the center of
his misery throughout Life. People
who he thought to threaten his whole
Life
with suffering and torment. I
can remember how he felt, but now I see the twisted and deranged way of his
thought process. He pointed his
finger outwards, but the Truth lay inside of himself, but he was blinded by
Hate. When he killed those 2
people, he fully intended to kill himself. He
knew that he would get the Death Penalty.
He even asked for it. His
last victim was to be me!
Now, this idiot didn’t ever think that he’d ever
grow up to be me. He never
thought that he’d feel Love and avoided it at all costs.
He thought he knew enough about Life to judge its worth and threw it
away. All it offered was a
parade of things that he couldn’t have and to watch other people he hated
possess those treasures. He
thought that unconditional Love and God was a myth of delusion of grandeur.
Well, I stand as proof that this moron was wrong. Misled and
over-educated! That immature man
passed on by the grace of God’s mercy.
Out of that dark cocoon emerged the man who accepted this fate of
Death he inherited from past sins. Instead
I chose to focus on the positive aspects of the rest of my Life here on
Earth. The negative existed, but
the positive far outweighed it!
So, as I rode in the van to the Death House with the
intentions of submitting to the dept of my past identity, I thanked God for
the Love and Mercy He has shown by granting me eternal Life in the
Kingdom
of
Heaven
. I thanked God for the time
spent in the darkness of my former self as it had given me a clear view of
the torture I could have suffered for eternity.
A torment I had earned. Yet,
undeservingly, I was spared that fate and I fully appreciated it and
acknowledge that in no vague terms that I was given a gift more precious
that the Earth could hold. I
thanked God for a beautiful and precious woman to come in my Life to fulfill
the position of a Lover. He
blessed me with other friends ready and willing to carry on my legacy of
Love and art. God gave me more
than I could ever ask for. Happiness
and joy I didn’t even want! The
threat of Death wasn’t even something to blink at.
As a matter of fact, I looked forward to Facing Death.
I felt like, since I had turned my back on Death and Chaos, it would
do its best to exact revenge. As
an agent of Death in the past, I felt protected by it and believed it to be
the master of all Life. I
thought that it had the power to take the body I dedicated to it.
I believed that this flesh and bone belonged to it.
Yet, I came to understand in all clarity that my Life truly lay
within and could not be touched and it was granted eternity in the
Kingdom
of
God
once it transcended this flesh and bone.
This confrontation was to shine victory in God’s name through my
Life. To show Death that it no
longer held mastery over me. To
break ties with who I used to be and bring that chapter in Earth’s history
to a close. I intended my death
to complete my redemption on this plane.
I did not desire a stay of execution.
On top of that, I didn’t want to put my friends and
family through this process again. Though
I was to die, it is the people around me that would hurt the most.
Can you understand that? My
Loved ones were the ones left behind to be hurt.
Killing me was only to bring more pain into this world.
More Hate and misery! If
I were to have gotten a “stay” for any of the legal issues in my
appeals, it would only have been temporary and ruled inconsequential, then
another day of execution would be set. I
have no doubt about that, so I wasn’t looking forward to any “stay”.
Heaven was my future! And
only plan! There was no fear or
malice in my Heart for that.
When I
arrived at the Death House I was immediately failed with the atmosphere it
had to offer. Even though
everything was clean and seemed freshly painted, the lights pitched a sickly
yellow glow that makes it look like a dungeon.
I was released from my restraints and strip searched before being
fingerprinted twice. Nobody
really displayed an overly aggressive attitude and seemed to actually be
cordial and professional. I we
escorted to a very small cell that had to be about 10 feet away from the
Death Chamber. I briefly spoke
to the assistant Warden of the Unit and then Chaplain came to explain the
process ahead. The environment
around me was full of dread due to that sick lighting and circumstances.
Yet, though it surrounded me, it did not penetrate my essence.
I kept me calm and peace through the grace of God’s comfort.
I maintained my positivty even after being told that the Chaplain on
Polunski Unit had lost the phone numbers that I needed to call my loved
ones. I forgave and moved on!
Between 2pm and 3pm, I spoke to the Chaplain and even
prayed with him. We spent most
of the time just getting to know each other a little.
I spoke on my recent experiences with Life and how much God has
“Blessed” me before he took his leave for the moment to speak with the
witnesses at the Hospitality House. I
was moved to a cell next to next to the one I was already in which had a
metal mesh in front of it and my spiritual advisor Mr. Roland Espada was
allowed in. From 3pm to 4pm we
visited on a Fellowship level and discussed some scripture on Death and how
Jesus Christ had died to prevent our Death – which I took as only a
spiritual manifestation, even though I was read the story about Shadrach,
Meshack, and Abendego. I
actually learned something I wasn’t aware of, because I was not aware that
the Son of God appeared in the history of the Old Testament.
When the brothers were saved from the fires they were throw in for
refusing to bow to an effigy, a form was seen by the King who ordered their
Deaths and he said the countenance of another was seen within the fire and
looked to be the Son of God! Hey,
you lean something new everyday! We
spoke on a few personal things and around 4pm, he was escorted out.
I was put back in the original cell and the Chaplain called over to
the Hospitality House so that I could speak with my wonderful Lady.
At the same time, my “last meal” was brought in and handed to me.
I ate sparingly as I talked to my Love.
Now, as I had mentioned earlier, I was pretty calm, collected and
worry-free. However, two things
hit me at one time that that was enough to weigh on me heavily.
This was supposed to be my “last” meal and the “last” time I
would hear my Lady’s voice, my Love who had been there for me through this
all. The woman I Love and
received Love form unconditionally. This
very special Lady filled the place in me that every man needs full in his
Life in order to be completed as a person.
A Soul mate! My friends,
I believed I started having a panic attack… the room got very cold, I
could barely breath, I couldn’t even understand the words spoken to me…
the more she spoke about the situation, the worse it got.
My heat would not slow down!!! My
Lady listened to my condition as I explained it and she talked me through
it. She helped me calm down
enough to think a little and I was able to grab a hold of myself and pray
within for strength. Almost
instantly I was filled with calm again.
I finished talking to my Love around 5pm with nothing but Peace and
Love in my Heart! When I hung up
that phone, I died! That was the
last thing I had to do in my Life and the most important, after focusing on
my Love and nurturing it, by letting my Lady know that I’m okay and that
my Love for her is “Forever: - no matter what!
Between 5 and 5:30pm, I spoke with the Chaplain some
more on the Glory of God and how I became to accept Jesus Christ as my
sacrifice. Mainly, it was just
my testimony of who I was and how I got here.
However, at 5:30pm the confrontation began.
It was time to face the will of my past Self.
I could feel it come upon me like it just corrupted the air in the
room: Death!
I know Death very well and the presence is unmistakable.
The smell, touch, and even taste was there hovering.
My heart began to beat furiously due to the intensity of this
confrontation. It was not fear,
but the intensity one feels before any battle or fight.
Human adrenaline, naturally released for survival!
Yet, this time I was not the predator, but the prey.
I was barely there listening, but I can remember that the Chaplain
mentioned that none of the usual sounds before execution were there.
Around 6pm, there was a brief commotion amongst the officers and
Chaplain and I just knew this was it. The
intensity increased. But I maintained my composure and stuck my chest out to
take a deep breath. I stared
Death down and used my strength to show that I had no fear and faced the
consequences as a man with confidence in his victory through God’s
salvation! The commotion was
brief and soon everybody sat back down.
The confrontation continued…
Between 6pm and 6:30pm the confrontation took a twist
that was unexpected. Seeing that
Death could not strike fear of frustration into me, the devil stepped form
behind his façade and attacked me directly.
In my mind he held up the precious things in my Life that I would be
leaving here. He tried to
take away my Peace with mourning for a Life I was done with.
A Life that had run its course! A
Life full of Death! The devil
tried to make Death his tool to strip away victory.
However, I did what I’ve learned to do in Life now – I prayed!
The Chaplain and I prayed for strength together.
With the strength granted through prayer, God helped me to find the
positive to destroy temptation. The
devil’s attack became his downfall, because the people he used to try to
make me mourn for were the same sources God shone His Love and Glory through
to give me comfort. I focused on
this Love and Peace, and as it filled me, once again the devil was defeated
by that Love and Glory from God. I
will always have the Love of my friends and family –regardless!
Around 6:30pm, it was over, because God took away Death from me,
because I confronted it and defeated the true enemy – the devil!
(That is what Jesus meant for us all to do when He said, “Follow
me.”) Within this Peace, the
Kingdom
of
God
came down upon me and taught me a new lesson – Death has no power past
God’s will! God took Death
away form me to show me that my so-called confrontation with Death was done
in vain and human ego, because Jesus Christ had already taken the keys of
Death from the devil. Victory
over Death was already God’s to claim!
Only through my Faith in God was I granted any victory.
That was starkly clear now!!!
During this Peace amidst the
Kingdom
of
God
that was upon me, I was confronted with a choice.
Hear me, my friends, God gave me a choice!
I didn’t even deserve this choice.
Since my Life was over as a human with future dreams and virtues, I
was truly God’s man. Each
breath I took was for God now. I
belong to God now! My past is
gone. There is no question of
that!!! The choice I was given
was that I could join the kingdom of God in Heaven and the Glory after
bodily Death or I could stay on the Earth and join in God’s Kingdom work
here on earth with Him as my King… and be amongst the people I Love that
are still here. God’s
work/word for me is Love!!! To
spread God’s Love, develop it in others, and utilize it to achieve
positive goals in Kingdom living here on earth.
With nothing “but” Love to guide me a memory of a questioned
asked to me by the “Love of my Life” came to my mind:
“Do you want to live or die?”
Then, another endearing memory of her came of when she declared that
if I were to die that through Love, she would resurrect me through the power
of God. The decision was made
right then!!! I chose to stay on
Earth!!! When I was finally
granted a stay of execution, I already knew I wasn’t going to die and kind
of chucked inside at how ridiculous it sounded to me when someone told me…
it was just as ridiculous as telling me that I have eyes.
Yet, all I could say was: “All
Glory to God!” The Chaplain
and I prayed for thanksgiving and I was immediately brought back to Death
Row on the Polunsky Unit.
Dear friends, when the
Kingdom
of
God
was through with its communion with me, it did not leave.
Trust me when I say that a piece of the Kingdom is still inside of
me! My Life is God’s now!
God is Love! All of my
positive works are due to God. I
claim no victory as my own. I
claim no Glory as my own, less the Glory of God in me through Jesus Our
Christ. Each breath I take is to
the grace of God. Pure Love is
my goal and virtue. No, I ma
still not a Holy man of my own right, but through grace I am now in Him who
is Holy forever and ever! There
is no such thing as a Holy man, unless He is in God!
I am just a Son of God’s. A
Son of Love! Through Love I
strive to do God’s work. The
Kingdom
of
God
is no loner a probability to me. It
is a Truth that I will to live every single day.
I am no longer in misery
due to this Earth or its circumstances.
I chose this situation with full knowledge that the kingdom is Truth!
All Truth!!! I am here to
promote Love and to testify in the effectiveness of full Faith in God.
There must not be mere hope, but unwavering Faith in God.
All of our works must be done in the name of Love instead of a means
to attain human glory or victory! It
has been shown to me that this is the key to all of our problems being
solved.
As for the Death Penalty, it’s self,
I believe that I stand as a symbol of the possibilities of change
through Faith in God!!!!!! I
wasn’t granted a “stay of execution” due to my own case and my
clemency was denied! The Courts
could have ruled on my “stay” either way.
They didn’t even have to hold up the execution.
While I made my decision –they made theirs.
Faith is all I had to stand on and the trust that God would put me
where I needed to be for His will to have presidents over my own will.
Right now, I am here with you through Love and God’s grace, which
is His will for my life… that I should live and not die!
Love is what I spread as a newborn… Blessed is the pet of God.
The
Phoenix
!
Through this will, I seek to work with anyone in the
way of Love and Peace. Contact
me and I will most definitely communicate with you on a level of progress in
may facets. Let’s make this
world a better place through Love! Whatever
time granted to me will be dedicated to this cause through actions and not
mere platitudes. God’s will be
done! God Bless you all…
Carlton A. Turner #999321
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston
,
Texas
77351
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